Celebrity tattoos and the danger of regret

What are these illustrated exhibitionists thinking?

Lena Dunham's body is a human canvas, scrawled with seven big and small tattoos, making her resemble a zaftig prison inmate.

With an estimated 17 tats inscribed on her porcelain skin, Angelina Jolie has turned herself into an orgy of ink.

But Dunham is 28 years old and so content with her generous curves, she can't keep her clothes on while appearing on TV.

Still, I wonder if the creator, writer, director, co-executive producer and star of the disturbing HBO show "Girls'' will regret her tramp stamps years down the road when her boobs lose their valiant struggle with gravity and the skin on her lower back sags like week-old lettuce.

At age 39, Jolie is a gorgeous movie star, filmmaker, the United Nations' special envoy for refugee issues, a crusader against cancer, and mother of six who's married to Hollywood hottie Brad Pitt, 51.

She's also made some major goofs.

Jolie was so into her second husband, fellow Hollywood denizen Billy Bob Thornton, now 59, that she and her man hung vials of each other's blood around their necks. But after their inevitable divorce in 2003, Angie had a tattoo of his name lasered off a spot below her bikini line, and had the inscription "Billy Bob'' erased from her upper left arm.

Her tats now include one displaying the geographical coordinates of her children's birthplaces. When Jolie gives in to wrinkles, age spots and cellulite, will she dare leave the house without wearing a burqa?

Angelina Jolie sports more tattoos on her inner arm.Photo: AP

Forget for a moment the tats multiplying all over pop runt Justin Bieber, 21, and focus instead on the skin decorations enveloping the high-end epidermises of female singers like Rihanna, 27, and Miley Cyrus, 22.

Bahamian-born RiRi (estimated tattoo count: 23) has admitted that her thirst for tats is like an addiction.

Lena Dunham has a tattoo of Eloise on her lower back.Photo: HBO

Cyrus (estimated tattoo count: 38, including the word "LOVE" inside her right ear) had her first one, the words "Just Breathe,'' inscribed below her left breast when she was just 17 years old, beating the 18-year-old age minimum in most states legally by obtaining her inked parents' permission.

Tattoos. Once they were sought mainly by men, many of them bikers, in the military or drunk. In a column that ran last month, I excoriated male celebs and ordinary mortals bearing XY chromosomes for lately rocking their inner Amish dudes by growing facial hair. Yuck.

Tattooed dames have succumbed to a mania that's grown alarmingly common among rich, narcissistic famous types, ladies who don't give a rat's rump if the sight of their flesh is capable of scaring small children and senior citizens.

And the insanity is contaminating ordinary women like measles.

So what drives gals to reinvent themselves as carnival freaks?

"I think it goes with the fantasy world [famous folks] live in,'' New York City-based celebrity stylist Oksana Pidhoreckyj, who's never considered getting a tattoo, told me. "I'm not against them. It's a personal choice. But while I find Angelina Jolie's tattoos are elegant, Lena Dunham's are the complete opposite. Let's leave it at that.''

"While I find Angelina Jolie's tattoos are elegant, Lena Dunham's are the complete opposite. Let's leave it at that." - Celebrity stylist Oksana Pidhoreckyj

Laura Osenni of Brooklyn, who has the image of a rose and a dolphin tattooed on her right shoulder, makes sure that her ink is visible to strangers only when she's wearing a bathing suit or a tank top.

"I don't want my body to be a conversation piece,'' said the showroom manager of a Manhattan commercial flooring company. "They can't cover up imperfections — maybe just divert people's eyes.''

I have a confession to make. During a night of heavy drinking during my freshman year of college, I wandered into a tattoo parlor and had a picture of a blue bird etched into my flesh. But unless you know me extremely well, you'll never find out where the bird exists on my body.

So if my teenage daughter came home tattooed, her dad and I would take deep breaths, express admiration for her independence — then lock her up until age 40. Kidding.

She's too smart to make my mistake.

Cradle robber sobber

In a cringe-worthy interview that aired on the ABC News program "20/20'' Friday, Barbara Walters sat down with monster mom Mary Kay Letourneau Fualaau and her husband, Vili Fualaau, and introduced to the world the couple's daughters, Audrey, 17, and Georgia, 16.

I feel sick.

The demented woman was a 34-year-old Seattle schoolteacher and married mother of four when she first bedded her 12-year-old sixth-grade student. She bore the first of his daughters when he was 13, then a second one behind bars. Mary Kay Fualaau served nearly 7¹/₂ years in prison after pleading guilty in 1997 to two counts of raping a child, then married her boy toy 10 years ago next month.

The freaks said they'd object if one of their daughters slept with a teacher!

At age 53, Mary Kay Fualaau today works as a paralegal, tutors some students and gives piano lessons. (Scary.) She said that she wants to start teaching again and have her name removed from the national sex-offenders registry. (Very scary.)

Vili Fualaau, a 31-year-old high-school dropout and disc jockey, talked on TV about his struggles with depression and alcoholism.

With a wife like that, I'm not surprised.

Wrong aisle to happiness

Liana Barrientos of The Bronx allegedly married 10 men between 1999 and 2010 — including immigrants from countries believed to harbor terrorists.

The serial bride at one point was wed to eight men simultaneously, a prosecutor alleged, as part of an apparent scam to help men remain in the United States. Now, she's believed to have just four spouses. The busty blonde, 39, pleaded not guilty Friday to two counts of filing a false instrument.

A message to lonely folks in New York City — it's not worth it.

High times in the bedroom

Seventy-nine percent of people who took drugs or drank alcohol before having sex reported that the substances made for hotter experiences.

That means that 21 percent of folks who said they did the nasty while drunk or high did not get extra pleasure, according to a survey commissioned by Adam & Eve, a company that sells sex toys, adult videos and other kinky stuff.

Not everyone gets drunk or high on things like pot, cocaine, ecstasy or heroin, before rolling in the hay — 52 percent of respondents said they had sex sober.

That's good news for those who want to remember it.

Only death for Dzho

If Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 21, is sentenced to life in prison rather than death, he could one day walk free, reader Jay Taikeff of Brooklyn reminded me.

Free, like the Libyan intelligence officer who was convicted in the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. The terrorist was convicted of murdering 270 people in the plane and on the ground and sentenced to life in prison in 2001. But in 2009, Scottish authorities sent him home after he developed prostate cancer. He was hailed as a Libyan hero until his death in 2012.

For murdering three people at the 2013 Boston Marathon, wounding 264 others and taking a campus cop's life, Tsarnaev should die.

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